Free From It All Now

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Riddle Me This…

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 11, 2009

Why is it that I am able to get help with childcare, if I work part-time at a min. wage job, but I can’t get help to attend school full time? (Unless I also work a min wage job)

With the min. wage job, I would almost have to rely on state/federal aid.
If I go to school, I can get a job where I DO NOT have to rely on said aid.

So why is it that there is so little help available for those trying to better themselves? Do we really want to create a society that discourages people from doing what they can to get off of aid?

Posted in Parental, Seriousness | Leave a Comment »

Postpartum survivor

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 9, 2009

Warning, this post deals with depression, it’s long and not at all amusing

When my daughter, Question, was born it was the best day of my life. We sailed through labor and delivery, she was completely healthy, she was beautiful. Breastfeeding was going great. All was well with the world. For about a week.
The days that followed were very, very dark.

I had heard a little bit about postpartum depression while I was pregnant. I had heard about the Andrea Yates tragedy. I knew that it happened to some women, but in the midst of the hormonal high I was on those last month or two of pregnancy, I thought “Not I!”

In retrospect, I had a lot of the risk factors. I had no social support, because we were half a country away from our family. It was a surprise pregnancy. We had issues in our marriage. And I have a strong family, and personal, history of depression.

But at the time, I didn’t know that. At the time, all I knew was that I wanted to crawl into bed, and not wake up.

The Man was in the Corps at the time, and he had 24hr shifts. One on, one off. He was working a horribly stressful job of his own. On the days that he was gone, I didn’t leave the bedroom, much less the apartment.

I felt like the walking dead. I was on auto-pilot. My daughter was the only thing that could rouse me from lying on my side, staring at the wall.

Trash piled up. Dishes were not done. Hell, if it couldn’t be made in the microwave, I wasn’t up to making it. I subsisted off of cold cereal and ramen noodles, because that was all the effort I could stand to put into cooking.

Laundry never got done until we were about to be running naked. Not that it mattered much to me. I spent most of my time in pajamas. The same pajamas for days.

But I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I a better mother and wife? Why didn’t I even care?

The Man has said that he was worried, but that 1)he didn’t know how bad it was on the inside, and 2)he wasn’t sure if it was normal newborn baby overload, or something more.

We were both completely unprepared for my mental shutdown.
I have to be honest. I still don’t know what pulled me through. I never did get help. I didn’t even recognize it as postpartum depression until a few years ago, when I struggled with it again after the birth of our son.

I know that about six months after Question’s birth, I was finally coherent enough to go job searching. And I know that having that job forced me to be out of the house. It forced me to interact with people, and shower and such. After that, things started to look up.

But the only thing that forced me to face each day during that hellish period, was Question. She was dependent on me to function at least that much. There were days where the only thing keeping me from slitting my wrists, was the fact that I didn’t want to leave the baby alone until The Man got home.

I regret not realizing that I needed help. I regret those wasted months where I barely existed. I regret that I was not as good of a mother as I could have been. But I am so thankful that we managed to survive that time.

And I hope that if someone is sitting there, and recognizes themselves or someone they love in this post, that you will make an effort to get help. Please. Call the PostPartum Depression Hotline (1.800.944.4PPD) if you even suspect that you or a loved one is suffering. They will help you find resources in your area, to get you through this.

Posted in Mental, Parental, Seriousness | 3 Comments »

Dear So-and-So

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 7, 2009

***Okay, I don’t know WHY WordPress is refusing to let me do images…again. Asshats Anyway, click on the link above to be taken to the originating blog for “Dear So-and-So” and read more like this! Or join in!*****

Dear WordPress,
I see that it is working now. Asshats.
Love, Growing more and more certain I need my own domain

Dear Truck,
I know you are sick. I know you are miserable. I really do hope you feel better soon. But if you could please decide whether you would prefer to be held, or to be left alone to lay on the couch, it would be nice. Because this changing your mind every two seconds? Get’s a little frustrating.
Love, Mom

Dear Grandpa,
Please don’t call before 8am. I am not coherent. I realize that you have probably been up for 3hours already, but I? Have not.
Love, Me

Dear Miss Question,
I know your brother is getting a lot of attention right now. It’s because he has sores. In his mouth. That make him miserable.
Whinging and general misbehaving, are not going to get you the snuggles you are after.
I promise that you will get all sorts of attention, too. As soon as he’s asleep long enough to detach myself from him.
Love, Mom

Posted in Parental | 6 Comments »

That’s A Mouthful

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 7, 2009

Tonight I’ve left my living room. The day is winding down, and I’m out on the porch, keeping an eye on my oldest. That hot pink shirt she chose this morning helps.

Today was very dull, yet tiring.

I took Truck into the doctor. He’s been letting us know that his mouth hurt. We figured it was just teething. Maybe those back molars coming in. But it went on too many days, without any sign of an actual tooth.
So, in we went.

He has a virus. It’s similar to chickenpox, the doctor tells me. And it’s inside his mouth. It occurred to me after our appointment that those “bug bites” on his knees, and that diaper rash that looked a little different than normal, are probably also the work of this virus.

No wonder the poor kid didn’t want to eat.
So he’s on a strict PABIC (pudding, apple sauce, bananas, and ice cream….the guilty mother’s version of the traditional BRAT diet) diet until his mouth heals. Nothing we can do, but try to make him feel better, and let it run it’s course.

Poor little Truck. A mouthful of sores.

Posted in Parental, Physical | 2 Comments »

Slacking off

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 6, 2009

Look, I am the Queen of slack. I am so good at it, I’ve made it into an art form. I specialize in lowering the bar for women everywhere. In no particular order, let me list for you the ways I would fail, if I had bothered to have higher standards.

1) We haven’t used the love seat in over 2 months. B/c there is constantly unfolded(but clean) laundry on it.

2)Speaking of laundry, there are a lot of days where I have to run a load, because if I didn’t? We’d all have to go naked.

3) In the last month, my kids have worn swimsuits all day 2x. I claimed it was because it was hot, and they could play outside in the water. Really? It was because they each only had one outfit left, and I didn’t feel like doing laundry.

4) Have been known to stop off and pick up a meal because heating leftovers? Way too much work.

5)Have opened the drawer to find I am completely out of silverware, and proceeded to wash only what I needed

6)Have bought plasticware, for much the same reason.

7) And paper plates.

8) and once, cups.

9) I’ve done homework the night before.

10) I’ve done homework WHILE SITTING IN CLASS, in front of the teacher, mind you.

The list could go on and on, but I think we can all agree. I? Rawk at the slacking.

Posted in Extra curicular, Parental | Leave a Comment »

100 things about me, number the fourth

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 5, 2009

random
31. I watch ANTM…and SYTYCD

32. I had to stop and think those acronyms out, because I don’t usually use acronyms to refer to shows, but I’m too lazy to type all that out.

33. Sometimes my time-saving comes with a long enough explanation that it doesn’t really save any time

34. I avoided eating hummus for years, because the word sounds icky

35. I actually like hummus

36. I used to be a big ol’ pot-head

37. I haven’t touched pot in over 5 years now

38. I have some serious social anxiety. Exacerbated by the fact that I? Am a dork.

39. I like big words. They amuse me.

40. Johnny Depp is my favorite actor

Posted in Extra curicular | Leave a Comment »

Word Up

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 3, 2009

I read.
Not just the backs of cereal boxes, or the ramblings of teh internetz. I read EVERYTHING.
I read mysteries, I read trashy novels, I read actual literature. If I’m bored, or sick, or whatnot, the surest way to cheer me up, or occupy my time, is to hand me a book.
I just love to submerge myself into the story. I like a book where it is effortless, on my part, to be caught up in the events, and the lives of the characters.

This is why I utilize my local library. I realized early on in my love affair with the written word that books? Can get expensive. Sure, a cheap paperback novel is only $8, but…1)by the time you buy four or five $8 books, it’s not cheap. and 2)the meatier books get more expensive.
My average spending price for a book, is about $25. I can’t read very many books if I have to pay $25 for the privilege.
But for the price of “free”? I can check out 4-5 books EVERY WEEK! (in the summer. If I’m not working…)

Plus, there is just something special about wandering through shelves of old books, that are creased and worn from all the other hands that they have passed through on the way to you. And the hush of muffled whispers(unless you’re near the children’s area) It leaves me feeling almost reverent.

And if I’m pressed for time, I can make a list of the books I want to read, reserve them in my own home, and stop by and pick them up in a day or two.

I encourage you this week to check out your local library.
See what they have going on.

Posted in Extra curicular, Mental | Leave a Comment »

Happy Birthday lil sister

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 2, 2009

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my little sister #3. You’ve officially survived your first year of adulthood. Congratulations.

Now you have about 50-60 more to go. Good luck with that!

Seriously though, I worry about you sometimes. (Hey, I am the eldest. It is my JOB, for reals) Not because you’re not a smart, strong and beautiful woman. (You are)
But because I know all sorts of smart, strong and beautiful women who have had made some really dumb decisions. It happens to all of us.

I wish I could put you in a magic bubble, and spare you those dumb decision, and stupid moves, that you are bound to make in the next 50-60 years. However, you are more like me than either one of us would care to admit. So I know that any magic bubble would seem more like a prison than protection.

So go, make those mistakes, learn those lessons. Live it up. And then crash, because that’s how life is. (What goes up, must come down, and all that)

But know that when you need to cry, I have a shoulder, and a couch. And a really big-ass tv to watch a certain hottie actor on.

Mwah, love ya!

Posted in Extra curicular | Leave a Comment »

Struggling to Post

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 1, 2009

I am struggling to post tonight. I am struggling not to whine, bitch or moan.
And it’s hard. Because that is what I *want* to do. I want to whine about being broke, again.
I want to bitch about H being waitlisted for his program thanks (in part) to the office staff dragging their feet.
I want to moan about, well, everything. But that would be depressing.

Posted in Mental | Leave a Comment »

Parties I have Missed

Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 31, 2009

I’m a little jealous tonight. Seeing people celebrate some wonderful things, and I *am* happy for them, I swear. But I’ve been thinking of all the parties that I have missed out on. Throwing myself my own little (pity) party tonight…

The reasons that I’ve missed/skipped numerous parties and events vary; work, poor timing, social anxiety, depression, general broke-ness….

So, like I said, just having my own little pity party. Regretting the things I’ve missed out on.
But remember how I said I wanted to be less negative and more assertive and positive? This is where that is going to come into play.

I want this to change. Soooo…. instead of moping about it like I would have before, I’m going to change it.
Besides, clearly, no one else is going to show up with a magic wand, and throw me an awesome party.(although, if anyone is offering….)

Starting in August.
I want to have a party come August. For Truck’s B-day, The Man’s B-day, our anniversary (#5), and to celebrate all the new changes that we’re facing. My second year of school, The Man’s starting school, Question is starting 4K….and Truck is starting potty training. Definitely celebratory occasions.
I don’t want my kids to miss out the way I did.

You’re all invited naturally.

Posted in Mental | Leave a Comment »