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Archive for the ‘Mental’ Category

More proof that I am a dork

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 17, 2009

I got my textbooks today.
I squealed.
Yes, I SQUEALED over TEXTBOOKS. For the love of pocket protectors, could I BE any more of a DORK?

Capitalization fully justified, thank you very much.

But I am excited for the start of the semester. I mean, adult conversation, the learning, talking to adults, interesting subjects, stretching my brain and MY GAWD! People who don’t need their noses wiped! Yippee!

Since I’m on the wait list for my program, this semester I’m taking a lot of fluffier classes, that I’m really interested in. Which will be a good thing, I think.
I’m also taking Anatomy. And I am not looking forward to that. But, it has to be done.

But seriously, adult conversation, y’all!


Posted in Mental, Parental | Leave a Comment »


Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 14, 2009

I am the ultimate #housewifeFAIL

There. I said it. I suck at housewife-yness. I don’t have the mad skills that some people do. I’m not organized, I don’t feel the need to clean the grout, and most of the time, I can live with the “lick and a promise” method of cleaning.

The Man is driven nuts by this.

I’m sorry, but I have a very hard time being motivated to clean and/or cook when 1)it goes completely unappreciated, 2)it’s not going to meet “standard” anyway, 3)I’m not going to get (hardly) any help and 4) it’s all going to be undone the minute I turn my back.

But to insinuate that I am a bad mother because my floor needs sweeping or I’ve forgotten to bag the recycling, or that my child is sick (with chicken pox, mind you) because of my #housekeepingFAIL is just a tad over-dramatic.

And don’t even get me started on, “But what do you DO?”

It’s not that I have some aversion to living in a picture perfect house, it’s just that I realize that’s not going to happen. And I’m not going to expend sweat, blood and tears trying to make the impossible come true, all on my own.

Could the house be cleaner? Absolutely.
Would that be a bad thing? No, sure wouldn’t.
But it’s not going to happen if the work is left to fall solely on my shoulders.

Posted in Mental, Parental | 1 Comment »

Postpartum survivor

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 9, 2009

Warning, this post deals with depression, it’s long and not at all amusing

When my daughter, Question, was born it was the best day of my life. We sailed through labor and delivery, she was completely healthy, she was beautiful. Breastfeeding was going great. All was well with the world. For about a week.
The days that followed were very, very dark.

I had heard a little bit about postpartum depression while I was pregnant. I had heard about the Andrea Yates tragedy. I knew that it happened to some women, but in the midst of the hormonal high I was on those last month or two of pregnancy, I thought “Not I!”

In retrospect, I had a lot of the risk factors. I had no social support, because we were half a country away from our family. It was a surprise pregnancy. We had issues in our marriage. And I have a strong family, and personal, history of depression.

But at the time, I didn’t know that. At the time, all I knew was that I wanted to crawl into bed, and not wake up.

The Man was in the Corps at the time, and he had 24hr shifts. One on, one off. He was working a horribly stressful job of his own. On the days that he was gone, I didn’t leave the bedroom, much less the apartment.

I felt like the walking dead. I was on auto-pilot. My daughter was the only thing that could rouse me from lying on my side, staring at the wall.

Trash piled up. Dishes were not done. Hell, if it couldn’t be made in the microwave, I wasn’t up to making it. I subsisted off of cold cereal and ramen noodles, because that was all the effort I could stand to put into cooking.

Laundry never got done until we were about to be running naked. Not that it mattered much to me. I spent most of my time in pajamas. The same pajamas for days.

But I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I a better mother and wife? Why didn’t I even care?

The Man has said that he was worried, but that 1)he didn’t know how bad it was on the inside, and 2)he wasn’t sure if it was normal newborn baby overload, or something more.

We were both completely unprepared for my mental shutdown.
I have to be honest. I still don’t know what pulled me through. I never did get help. I didn’t even recognize it as postpartum depression until a few years ago, when I struggled with it again after the birth of our son.

I know that about six months after Question’s birth, I was finally coherent enough to go job searching. And I know that having that job forced me to be out of the house. It forced me to interact with people, and shower and such. After that, things started to look up.

But the only thing that forced me to face each day during that hellish period, was Question. She was dependent on me to function at least that much. There were days where the only thing keeping me from slitting my wrists, was the fact that I didn’t want to leave the baby alone until The Man got home.

I regret not realizing that I needed help. I regret those wasted months where I barely existed. I regret that I was not as good of a mother as I could have been. But I am so thankful that we managed to survive that time.

And I hope that if someone is sitting there, and recognizes themselves or someone they love in this post, that you will make an effort to get help. Please. Call the PostPartum Depression Hotline (1.800.944.4PPD) if you even suspect that you or a loved one is suffering. They will help you find resources in your area, to get you through this.

Posted in Mental, Parental, Seriousness | 3 Comments »

Word Up

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 3, 2009

I read.
Not just the backs of cereal boxes, or the ramblings of teh internetz. I read EVERYTHING.
I read mysteries, I read trashy novels, I read actual literature. If I’m bored, or sick, or whatnot, the surest way to cheer me up, or occupy my time, is to hand me a book.
I just love to submerge myself into the story. I like a book where it is effortless, on my part, to be caught up in the events, and the lives of the characters.

This is why I utilize my local library. I realized early on in my love affair with the written word that books? Can get expensive. Sure, a cheap paperback novel is only $8, but…1)by the time you buy four or five $8 books, it’s not cheap. and 2)the meatier books get more expensive.
My average spending price for a book, is about $25. I can’t read very many books if I have to pay $25 for the privilege.
But for the price of “free”? I can check out 4-5 books EVERY WEEK! (in the summer. If I’m not working…)

Plus, there is just something special about wandering through shelves of old books, that are creased and worn from all the other hands that they have passed through on the way to you. And the hush of muffled whispers(unless you’re near the children’s area) It leaves me feeling almost reverent.

And if I’m pressed for time, I can make a list of the books I want to read, reserve them in my own home, and stop by and pick them up in a day or two.

I encourage you this week to check out your local library.
See what they have going on.

Posted in Extra curicular, Mental | Leave a Comment »

Struggling to Post

Posted by ThePsychobabble on August 1, 2009

I am struggling to post tonight. I am struggling not to whine, bitch or moan.
And it’s hard. Because that is what I *want* to do. I want to whine about being broke, again.
I want to bitch about H being waitlisted for his program thanks (in part) to the office staff dragging their feet.
I want to moan about, well, everything. But that would be depressing.

Posted in Mental | Leave a Comment »

Parties I have Missed

Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 31, 2009

I’m a little jealous tonight. Seeing people celebrate some wonderful things, and I *am* happy for them, I swear. But I’ve been thinking of all the parties that I have missed out on. Throwing myself my own little (pity) party tonight…

The reasons that I’ve missed/skipped numerous parties and events vary; work, poor timing, social anxiety, depression, general broke-ness….

So, like I said, just having my own little pity party. Regretting the things I’ve missed out on.
But remember how I said I wanted to be less negative and more assertive and positive? This is where that is going to come into play.

I want this to change. Soooo…. instead of moping about it like I would have before, I’m going to change it.
Besides, clearly, no one else is going to show up with a magic wand, and throw me an awesome party.(although, if anyone is offering….)

Starting in August.
I want to have a party come August. For Truck’s B-day, The Man’s B-day, our anniversary (#5), and to celebrate all the new changes that we’re facing. My second year of school, The Man’s starting school, Question is starting 4K….and Truck is starting potty training. Definitely celebratory occasions.
I don’t want my kids to miss out the way I did.

You’re all invited naturally.

Posted in Mental | Leave a Comment »

Give me Strength

Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 27, 2009

The Man will be gone for the next week.
The children have been terrors for the last TWO weeks (easily. possibly longer)
AND the tv is broken, so there will be zero sanity-saving cartoon breaks this week. Suckysucky.
I am concerned. Ha. Well. Somewhat.

On the other hand, there are bunch of things I can get done when the children are in bed, and I have no tv or husband to distract me.

I can:
1)Scale Mt. Laundry

2)Decontaminate my kitchen

3)Throw out any food which has expired in the last three years

4)Finish that dress that i have about 20 minutes of work left on. That has been sitting for the last 3 weeks.

5)Write posts ahead of time for this place.

6)Contemplate how far I want to go with this blogging thing. Obviously it will always be a part of my life, but how big of a part am I looking at here?

Posted in Mental, Parental | Leave a Comment »


Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 25, 2009

One of my (ever-so-few, really, I swear) personality flaws, is the tendency to wall others off. I have a very hard time letting people in.

Well, real people. Teh internetz? I spread that shite all OVER the place. But that’s another post.

I’m not sure why that is. I know, I know, it’s probably due to having been repeatedly mind-fucked by those closest to me, throughout my life. And it might have something to do with losing someone very close to me, at a very important time in my life.

But,(there’s always a but, isn’t there?) I look around, and I see that there are other people who have had to deal with muchmuchmuch more traumatic things in their lifetimes, then I have had to. And I don’t see them struggling. Struggling to love people, struggling to trust people, struggling even to allow others to love them.

So what’s my problem?? Why the hell can’t I let these defenses down? It’s not that I don’t WANT to. Hell, of course I want to! This sucks. Being surrounded by family, having a handful of friends, being married….and still feeling like I’m on my own. Like there’s no one I can confide in, or share what’s going on in this effed-up head of mine, without fear of judgment.

I don’t know how to. It doesn’t seem to be as simple as saying, “I’m going to trust you.” and then…doing it.
Tried that.
Didn’t work too well.

I guess that’s what therapy is for though, huh?

Posted in Mental | 4 Comments »

Cure for the common cold (NSFW)

Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 18, 2009

Since the beginning of our marriage, my husband has tried to convince me of the healing powers contained within his penis.

“My stomach hurts.”
“I have something that will fix that.”
“What’s that?”
“My penis.”

Supposedly, his penis is able to cure menstrual cramps, stomach flu, pregnancy pains, headaches and broken bones. Apparently, his man juice is of a powerful variety indeed. One has to wonder why modern medicine doesn’t have him locked in a lab somewhere, subject to a battery of tests?

There are many days I wonder why he’s not locked up somewhere filled with doctors…but I digress.

For the last week or so, I have had a nasty cold. The kind where you want to curl up and die. Puffy eyes, runny nose (yet congested sinuses…someone explain that one?) pounding head, hacking cough…the works.

I tried everything. Various cough syrups, cold medicines, alka seltzers, teas, etc. Finally, I broke down and took the good stuff. The stash. The cough syrup with the codeine in it. Oh yeah.

I figured that if it didn’t cure the cough, it might at least knock me out.
It didn’t cure the cough.
So I lay there whining and moaning about my impending death. And my husband offered up his usual home-remedy.

And apparently I was feeling a little loopy. Possibly the drugs. Because I took him up on it. Despite the puffy eyes, runny/congested nose, headache and hacking cough. (Note to self: Check and see if The Man was on something as well. B/c that? Not. Attractive.)

And… worked!

That’s right, I woke up illness-free. Rescued from the brink of death.

By a penis.

Posted in Mental, NSFW, Physical | 1 Comment »

To New Beginnings…

Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 9, 2009

As part of my effort to shun my natural tendency toward negativity, I am choosing to embrace the unfortunate loss of my past blog posts. I admit that my initial reaction was tearful, but after a few calming breaths (and maybe a few shots of some liquid reinforcement) I decided that this is my chance to start over.

Oh, this is still my place to rant and rave, to bitch and moan, and so on and so forth. Don’t think you’re getting off that easy! But I also want to share the good times. The things that make me happy, little as that is at times.

Since I’m trying to replace the negative attitude in my real life, maybe I’ll try to focus on it less in my online life, as well.

We’re facing a lot of new beginnings around here. I’m beginning a new round of classes, and hopefully, the nursing program.
Question is starting 4K, and going off to “real” school come September.
The Man is starting school, too this fall. He’s headed down the path to a new career. One that he was more or less born for, with that whole mechanical apptitude thing.
Truck is starting the terrible twos pretty quick here. Ok, so that’s one beginning I could probably live without. But along with that comes the beginning of potty training, which means the end of diapers. And THAT is something I can look forward to!

With all the changes coming up, I’m sure that our house will continue to be in chaos, if not more so. So please, keep your fingers crossed for us!

Posted in Mental | Leave a Comment »