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Loneliness

Posted by ThePsychobabble on July 25, 2009

One of my (ever-so-few, really, I swear) personality flaws, is the tendency to wall others off. I have a very hard time letting people in.

Well, real people. Teh internetz? I spread that shite all OVER the place. But that’s another post.

I’m not sure why that is. I know, I know, it’s probably due to having been repeatedly mind-fucked by those closest to me, throughout my life. And it might have something to do with losing someone very close to me, at a very important time in my life.

But,(there’s always a but, isn’t there?) I look around, and I see that there are other people who have had to deal with muchmuchmuch more traumatic things in their lifetimes, then I have had to. And I don’t see them struggling. Struggling to love people, struggling to trust people, struggling even to allow others to love them.

So what’s my problem?? Why the hell can’t I let these defenses down? It’s not that I don’t WANT to. Hell, of course I want to! This sucks. Being surrounded by family, having a handful of friends, being married….and still feeling like I’m on my own. Like there’s no one I can confide in, or share what’s going on in this effed-up head of mine, without fear of judgment.

I don’t know how to. It doesn’t seem to be as simple as saying, “I’m going to trust you.” and then…doing it.
Tried that.
Didn’t work too well.

I guess that’s what therapy is for though, huh?

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4 Responses to “Loneliness”

  1. Anonymous said

    Welcome sister!!!
    That lack of trust is the reason I love computers, ALL MY FRIENDS LIVE INSIDE.
    If they piss me off, I just power down, close the browser and start looking for new ones. Smart people live isolated lifes.

    • Anonymous said

      I a fucking stupid retard!!!! It is “LIVES” and NOT ‘LIFES.” I was counting on the automatic spell checker!!!!!
      See; my best friend, the computer, failed me today!!!!.

  2. ThePsychobabble said

    I think that’s what draws me about teh internetz too. Not that there is any less drama(far from it some days) just that it’s easier to distance myself from said drama.

  3. Jennifer said

    I do the same thing. I know it’s a fear of being judged. At least of being judged not good enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough, not something enough. If you want to judge me the most fantastic thing in the entire world, I’m cool with that.

    I am fully aware that the internet judges me as well, but I’m good with that. Something about the lack of being face to face makes it easier to handle.

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